Today I started work for the first time since Gianna was born (about 15 months). I accepted a position as a Special Education Teacher's Aide at a local charter school working 8:30am-3pm Monday - Friday. Gianna, when you read back over this one day, I want you to know why I went back to work, and how hard it has been to leave you.
Bobby and I try to pay cash for everything. We're no Duggars, but the only debt we have is the house morgage. This coming year we are looking at having to:
1) Buy a new car (the civic is dying)
2) Lord willing, pay for a new baby (hospitals ain't cheap... maybe we'll just have a home birth and spare ourselves this expense).
3) Fly home to see our family
Gianna, your daddy and I want to be able to pay cash for the car and birth of the next baby (no I'm not pregnant, but we do hope to have another baby at some point), and we consider traveling home to see your grandparents a top priority for us. I'm working, my little girl, so that we can pay for these things and teach you how to manage your money wisely. Not that a car payment is bad, but you can save a lot of money by paying cash most of the time. And the hospital gives a nice discount if we pay up front, too!
You are more important than money. If I thought you couldn't handle being out of my care, I wouldn't work. But you LOVE being around other people, and I think you might be having more fun at Kenna's house than at ours! I trust your care-giver. She is kind, patient, attentive, loving, and will treat you the way I would. You're enjoying being with her and her family, so I know that while I'm at work, you're happy.
This morning was so hard putting you in the car and watching Daddy drive you to Kenna's house. I kept telling Daddy, "So, remember to tell Kenna that she has a bottle and her sippy in the bag. And make sure Kenna knows where the diapers are in the bag, because sometimes people don't know that they are in the diaper carrier. Oh, and tell her that Gia she has a change of clothes in case she gets messy. And she has a bib in there, too!" Your daddy kept holding my arms, saying, "it's okay, Lindz, Kenna knows. Gia will be okay. She will be fine." Bless him, he was so calm.
I called Kenna one time while at work to make sure she had everything she needed, and that you were okay. She said that you were very happy and doing great. I had to push my thoughts of you out of my head at times because I couldn't dwell on how much I missed you. It suddenly hit me while I was half way through the day that this is an everyday-thing. I'm not just away from you for a little bit, but I'm going to be away from you everyday, 5 days a week, for 10 months. It was then that it really got hard.
When I picked you up this afternoon, you were having such a good time, you weren't even ready to come into my arms! That made me so happy and relieved, and I knew that you really were fine, that we can get used to this "new normal." After we got home, of course, you lost it at dinner, and then were extremely clingy to me. Your daddy had to get used to this. Normally, we are together all day, and then when Daddy gets home, you are super excited to see him, and the two of you spend a long time playing together. But tonight, you just wanted Mama, and Daddy was surprised that you didn't want to play. You and Daddy did get to play, but it will take a few days for you to get used to not seeing me all day. Fortuantely, you get to see Daddy all day on Fridays!
It's SO hard not to be with you all day. I feel like I'm missing so much, but at the same time, I know you're fine and I'm providing for our future. I do love my job, thankfully, but it will take time for me to adjust to being away from you. I miss you, baby, and I can't wait for the weekend when we can be together all day!
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